Discipline

Nancy Brenton, MD
Strasburg Family Health Center

"Reprinted From Lancaster County Woman Newspaper."

Many of us parents lead very busy and hectic lives.  Our days are focused on (or should I say distracted by?) the multiple tasks at hand as we rush from our daughter’s soccer game to our son’s lacrosse tournament, and get the week’s groceries purchased and the laundry washed in between.   We spend our nights helping the kids with their homework, cooking supper, cleaning the house, bathing the little ones, all the while trying to keep the children out of trouble.  If you are like me, the kitchen floor is usually pretty dirty when you fall into bed exhausted! It’s a tough job and we often just plow through without stopping to think about the big picture.  For example, have we carefully thought about how we will discipline our children?  Yes, many of us are stretched thin.  Our nerves are often shot by the end of our long days.  And let’s face it our kids can make us crazy!  Under these circumstances we often discipline without thinking.  Yet disciplining our children is really one of our most critical roles in life.  That’s why it is important to take a moment to consider how we will do this.  Let’s plan for it-- before the heat of the moment, before we are frazzled, before our reserve is low and we react in anger. 

Discipline, meaning  “to teach”, is distinct from punishment in that its intention is to get rid of undesirable behaviors, while teaching more appropriate ones.  Punishment, on the other hand, is simply aimed at reducing undesirable behaviors, and does not offer instruction about better behaviors.   Many families in America use corporal punishment, which may include spanking, or even hitting, shaking, or pinching.  Experts have concerns about corporal punishment for several reasons.  For one, it is often done impulsively in anger.  As corporal punishment is generally ineffective in reducing unwanted behaviors, parents occasionally increase the severity in order to achieve the desired results.  Additionally an angry parent can loose control, escalate into more serious abuse, and cause physical injury and even death to a child.  For the child, corporal punishment can validate the use of violence in resolving disputes (“This will teach you to hit your brother!”    Smack!?). Furthermore, most experts agree that corporal punishment alone, if effective at all at decreasing the poor behavior, does nothing to teach the child about more acceptable behaviors.  Studies show it can lead to poor self esteem and an increase in delinquent behaviors.  Effective discipline, on the other hand, is loving, but firm in teaching a child life skills and right from wrong.  Our goal afterall, is not only for our children to stop acting badly, but also, for them to develop their own conscience so that when we are not close by they will make positive choices. 

Parenting is an extremely difficult job and is not completely instinctive.  That’s why some wonderful people offer pre-parenting and parenting classes in our area (see resources below).  Some general ideas I would offer are:

Understand your child’s stage of development. For example, your newborn needs to be held close and cannot be spoiled if you do this too often.  Actually they may be more content, and more secure.  Never shake an infant in frustration.  This can cause serious brain injury and even death.  Instead, take a “mommy time-out” and regain your cool.

Most one year olds can understand the word “no” but cannot always obey it.  Rather than frustrating yourself with repeating this command until the child obeys (which may never happen), distract the child to another activity.  Control your toddler’s environment so that distraction is necessary less often (for example put the valuables out of reach!)

While distraction works best at this young age, it does not mean that a parent should not say “no” and be consistent and firm when they do.  You see, soon your crawling infant will become a two-year-old who will challenge your resolve and your eardrums with temper tantrums.  This is normal behavior for two-year-olds but if not handled properly will become common behavior for your child as he grows.  Temper tantrums are best ignored as long as the child is not hurting him/herself or someone else.  Temper tantrums should not be laughed at, and parents should not give in to tantrums.

• “Time out” can be very effective for preschoolers if used correctly and consistently.
• For your older children and teens set clear, firm limits and expectations and keep the communication lines open.
• Be consistent. 
• Be a good role model for your child.
• Give your child plenty of love, affection and attention. 
• Praise good behaviors.
• Most of all, be patient-- like us, they’ll never be perfect.  

United Way LINC (717-291-5462) provides information on numerous parenting program agencies including:  Children & Youth Agency (717-299-7925); COBYS Family Services (717-392-0504); Lancaster County Fatherhood Initiative (717-431-1027); Parent Works (866-488-5437); Pregnancy & Parenting Center (717-397-5241) and more.  United Way LINC is a 24 hour phone line to call if you are interested in additional information.